We're Home and Well

Angelina Joyce Housley

April 1, 2009 6:11 p.m.
8.5 inches, 9.6 ounces

(This is Thursday, day after Angelina was born, prior to leaving the hospital)

Well I guess I can't put this off any longer. Last week is over and we survived it. As many of you know, we found out Tuesday, March 31 that our baby girl that I was almost 5 months pregnant with passed away from a cyst on the back of her neck called a cystic hygroma. Because I was in my second trimester, this meant a bigger procedure than a DNC that is performed with miscarriages.

So on Wednesday I had to be admitted to the hospital. The doctor on Tuesday said that I would be put under through the entire thing. Obviously we had a lot thrown at us on Tuesday and didn't fully grasp what was ahead for us. At the time, my parents were in Arizona. They flew home Tuesday night to be with us and to help with Isaac.

Once at the hospital, we learned more of what was ahead. I was to actually go through all the steps of labor and delivery---from the contractions to pushing. They put a pill inside me to help the labor process. This started at 8:30 a.m. and by 3:00 I was very uncomfortable from the contractions. By 5:30 I had the choice if I wanted an epidural or not. I decided to get one. By 5:45 the anesthesiologist was there, while he was giving me the epidural my water broke, the epidural was in by 6:00 p.m. and our baby girl was born at 6:11 p.m.

I have to say, from the moment we found out there was no heartbeat to the moment she was born, was the hardest stretch of time for us. I really did not like being at the hospital knowing that I was to walk in pregnant, and leave empty handed. I did not know how I would feel going through the labor process and knowing there wouldn't be a cry to hear when she was out. I really struggled at that.

But....we were blessed with an unbelievable, almost tangible, sense of peace the moment she was born. As I held her in my arms, I simply said, "Hello baby girl....we'll see you soon." And we truly do believe that. The feelings we had were so powerful, there is no doubt we were being embraced by the hands of the Lord.

I had a different nurse every 12 hours, and the nurse I had right before we left was pretty special. She lost her husband 14 months ago to a heart attack. She hasn't been on a pregnancy like mine for quite some time because she has been going through the grieving process herself. I believe she--and all the other nurses and my doctor--thought I would be an emotional wreck and they'd be walking on egg shells around me. So that nurse continued to speak about the grieving process and what it was like for her. She mentioned that the last year of her life has been the worst. She has felt like why would such a loving and caring God make her hurt so bad? It wasn't until two weeks ago that she finally started praying again. She grew up Catholic and said they don't believe God has a plan for them because that would take their free agency away. I asked her if she believed she would see her husband again, and she said yes. I then proceeded to tell her what has gotten me through our trial--the knowledge that this little girl will be ours to raise in the eternities. I hope through our attitude and some of the things both Taylor and I said that we helped her in some way. I do hope to continue that openness and road with her.

After speaking with this nurse, it got me thinking. Never once have I felt the way she did, never once did this experience make me turn on my Savior, if anything, I have leaned on Him and have asked for His embrace. I have seen how black and white it is to have the gospel in our lives through this experience. My perspective and my heart would be so empty going through this without the gospel--it is ONLY with the gospel that I have gotten through this and feel so peaceful. It is the gospel that has given me the knowledge and perspective to keep going, and with that, we have had tremendous love and support through friends and family.

I cannot imagine lying in that hospital room, after delivering a baby and not hearing her cry, and not know what would happen next--in a sense, to think that that pregnancy was wasted. I can understand why people would feel so alone, angry, and turn on their Lord in that position without having the knowledge of our gospel. But I do have the knowledge, I believe it, and I act on it.

I know this pregnancy wasn't wasted, I know I was suppose to have this experience. I may not know the why, but I believe their is one. I believe I'll know someday. But I am just grateful that I don't have to dwell on the why--instead I can know that trials are for our good, that sometimes our faith is tested, and if we will but believe, he will heal us. I know the Lord is healing us--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I need the Atonement in my life more so than ever, and I am grateful I have a loving and caring God who sent His Son to die for us, to suffer all our sins and all our burdens, so that we can live with Him again through the sealing ordinances we have performed in the temple and our righteousness. I am grateful that even though we go through trials like this, where they are hard on us, that the Lord has provided a way for us to be together again for eternity--and that is a loving and caring God.

Now, we were faced with what we wanted to do with Angelina's body. The hospital offers a funeral where they bury all the children that have died in a certain time frame and they do that ceremony three times a year. We have decided to go that route. We have also decided to do something on our end. Taylor has been wanting to build a water feature in our backyard for some time now. We decided to do that, plant a tree or two and get a bench to put by the waterfall. Whether we do a plaque in the ground or on the bench, I don't know, but we want to have that special area where we can go to remember her. We also think it's neat to see the symbolism of running water where we memorialize Angelina---as that is where she is--with our Father in Heaven.

Thank you all---for your support, your calls, your emails, your notes, and most of all, your love. You have no idea how much it has meant to us with this trial we have been facing.

I am definitely on the road to recovery. A few hours after coming home on Thursday I was faced with intense pain--so bad that I was curled up on the floor crying. So we spent four more hours in the ER that night. We learned it was not a big deal and I have been given the appropriate medicine to get through this. After all that and getting a head cold and my milk coming in, I am now finally starting to feel somewhat "normal" again.

We continue to look forward. That peace we felt when she was born has carried us through. It doesn't mean we don't have hard days, we do, but we are blessed. And Isaac brings us so much joy and laughter. Angelina will always be in our hearts, mind and prayers. We know we will be together again for eternity.

Hearing the Unexpected

We just got home from the ultrasound. There was no heartbeat on our baby girl. Sometime between my appointment last Monday and today, she passed away. The doctor today assumed due to heart failure. The cyst was much bigger and her entire body looked swollen.

Since I am in my second trimester, the procedure we must go through is a bigger deal than a DNC. They actually induce me, dilate me, put me under and have me deliver the baby. We have the opportunity to bury her. Taylor and I will be going to the hospital tomorrow and I will be there until Thursday, possibly Friday depending on how long the labor takes me.

Talk about unexpected. Last night, laying in bed, I told Taylor that I could feel her moving a lot. All last night, this morning, the drive to the hospital, and waiting in the waiting room I had a prayer in my heart. I knew if I believed, He would heal her. Perhaps this is His way of healing her. While the news came as a shock and unexpected, I still believe in a God of healing, a God of miracles, a God of peace. We always knew and said we would accept His will, and we will.....it's just hard. Honestly, I am not looking forward to going through labor and the aftermath of it to come home without a new baby. But I guess that is my trial right now, my test of faith. I know that the Lord has not left us alone thus far, and I KNOW he will not leave us alone tomorrow, or the next day, or the next....

In less than 24 hours....

We will be at the hospital for an ultrasound!!

The "20 week" ultrasound has approached us! When we first learned of the cystic hygroma, the talk of "getting to the 20 week ultrasound" were pretty slim and seemed so far away. A few weeks ago when the doctor had me schedule the ultrasound, it was exciting to have it on the calendar, and now, with less than 24 hours to go, we will actually be having the ultrasound!!!

So, tomorrow is a BIG, BIG, BIG day for us! We will be able to see if the cyst on the back of her neck has gotten smaller or bigger, if there are any heart defects, and many more things. Here's to hoping and praying that it will ALL be good news!!

Another Doctor Appointment

I had a doctor's appointment today to listen for the heartbeat again. As far as the heartbeat goes, she has a good, steady one!! While that is great news and very encouraging, the doctor is concerned about my lack of weight gain. I reassured her that I gained around 40 pounds with Isaac, it just comes at the end! Prior to listening to the heartbeat, she was concerned about the size of my uterus. I am 17.5 weeks and she said if she didn't have my charts, she would say my uterus is measuring at 16 weeks. She looked at me and was about to ask if I had a problem with eating, and before she said anything I said, "Oh, I eat!" She encouraged me to go get some ice cream and add an extra slice of cheese here and there, and you better believe I am going to take that advice to heart! :) In all honesty, I really do hate gaining weight, but the idea of having a malnourished baby scares me even more--and having a uterus not growing is not what I want either....so here's to beefing up this little angel of ours!

"Happiest Place On Earth"

This past week we were in Orlando, Florida! Taylor had a business trip for a conference, and it really just turned out that my dad also had a business trip in Orlando for a different conference--but same time. So, really, how could I pass that up?! So both my mom and I went too!

Taylor and I flew out from Denver on Monday morning. We had to leave the house at 5 a.m. for our 8 a.m. flight. We were nervous how Isaac would do on the plane for a 3.5 hour flight, so we gave him some of his cough medicine and we thought that coupled with a lack of sleep would knock him out....nope, sure didn't. Back-up: portable DVD player. Nope, he wouldn't keep those headphones on for the life of him. But we just did odds and ends and he really did well for the whole flight.

My mom picked Isaac and I up from the airport while Taylor and his co-worker headed to the hotel to set-up for the conference. My mom and I stopped at Target to get some food for the room--at this point it had been about 8+ hours since Isaac woke up with no nap, so I thought for sure he would crash.....but he didn't go down until we got to our room! I was so impressed with him!

Taylor and I (and Isaac) stayed at Disney's Contemporary Resort, and we really liked it. Once back at the room, we met up with Taylor, we all took a quick nap, and then headed to my parents hotel for dinner. Sorry, no pictures from day one.

Day Two: It was supposed to rain, so my mom and I decided to hit the shops for the day. It ended up not raining, but a day at the outlets is always good! I got this picture of Isaac...when we were in Ann Taylor he kept running into the window display and did not want to leave! It was so funny.



Tuesday night we went to dinner with everyone at Moon Fish. We went back to our room after dinner and I was nervous about how the nights would be with all three of us in the same room when we didn't go to bed when we put Isaac down, but it was no big deal. Isaac would stand up a few times to see what we were doing, but after putting him back down he went to bed. Also, no one tells you what to do with a dirty diaper in a hotel room!

Day THREE: We went to Magic Kingdom. We knew prior to this trip that we would only spend one day at Disney. We go every other year as a family to Disney World, so I knew Isaac would have another chance to really appreciate the parks....but we also knew he was at an age to finally get into it a little bit.

The monorail ran through our hotel and took us to Magic Kingdom...I just thought it was so funny how Isaac would hold on to the bar! He also started a new thing of "helping" me push the stroller when he was walking, it was all so funny!

"Happiest freakin' place on earth" right?!?! :) This is how we started the park..... hahaha...I really couldn't resist getting this picture just so I could say that! My mom and I were both laughing at the thought. However, I believe he just wanted to play with my mom's phone, but unfortunately she was on it.

Once we got in and past the tantrum (aka--needed lunch!) we went to Pirates of the Caribbean! It was so fun to watch him stand in line and walk with us. He absolutely adored this Mickey stuff animal.
Waiting in line....

On the ride...obviously caught Isaac in a blink. He was so mesmerized by it! And never got scared when it got dark. He sat on the bench between my mom and I and would put his hand on my leg...it was so cute.

After Pirates, we went to "It's a Small World"...again, he loved all the lights, movement and sound. Here is a picture of us waiting in line. Maren, a good friend from Colorado, was in DisneyWorld as part of the College Internship program. She had the day off so she came and hung out with us! It was so fun.

Here's Isaac sitting like a little gentleman in the ride.
Following It's a Small World, we went to Phillur (sp??) Magic....a 3D show with Mickey Mouse. I didn't know how he would do through it, but after he stopped fighting to pull the 3D glasses off, he sat mesmerized on my lap. He would jump a few times throughout the show....it was pretty funny. He loved holding onto the railing...

Then we headed off to the "Celebration" Parade. He didn't quite know what to do at first, but he quickly grasped the concept of waving at the floats--so much so, that when we were waiting for Taylor to pick us up at the airport on the way home, Isaac kept waving at the cars driving by!

Best part of the parade: When the fairy Godmother blew Isaac a kiss and Isaac blew one back! SOOO Cute!!

That night we went to Downtown Disney to eat at Portobello's. The children's menu turned into a chef hat...I thought that was clever...
That night, Isaac and I slept at my parents hotel. That was not planned. On Tuesday, Taylor and his co-worker realized that they could leave Wed. night (instead of Thursday afternoon) and figured with as much as they have going on at the office, that it would be wise to leave early. So that meant he had to check out of the hotel on Wed., leaving Isaac and I "hotel-less"....well, not really, we just slept at my parents place. So it worked out.

Isaac was in such a funny mood this night...he would sit on my mom's lap, cover his eyes, my dad would throw a mini-football at his stomach and he would laugh so hard and get up and give it back to my dad and start all over again...

Day FOUR: Last day. We spent the morning at the pool. Isaac is so fearless that it scares me so bad! He just loved jumping in, over and over again. After we got cleaned up, my mom and I headed to the airport for our FOUR hour flight home. Isaac did so well, I am so proud of him! Here is my mom and Isaac walking up and down the aisle during the flight at one point.

Ok, two funny stories...well, maybe not both funny.

First: On Tuesday, in order for us to get from our hotel to my parents, we had to ride the monorail to Magic Kingdom and then get on one of Disney's buses to get to my parents hotel. Well on Tuesday, Isaac and I had to go over by ourselves since Taylor was in his conference. After this experience I worry about what I would do with TWO kids!!!! It started when we got on the elevator from our room to go to the monorail....we got off on the wrong floor, so when we got back in the elevator, the elevator wouldn't move (enter biggest fear of getting stuck in an elevator) we got off that, made it to the right floor and got on the escalator to get to the monorail. Well the escalator is a MINI escalator--just wide enough for our stroller. Well the front wheel turns, so when it hits the top it turns the back two wheels, causing us to get stuck all the while the escalator is still moving us up. Embarrassing. But wait, that's not the worst. Then we get on the monorail and I guess through all of this, I hit the lever on the front wheel. Because as I am trying to move the stroller out of the way, the front wheel falls off. Uh....some guy on the monorail helps me. At this point I am sure I have a red blinking sticker on my head that says "this girl needs help!" That was essentially all that really happened, but I was sure missing Taylor at this point!!!

Second: I officially hate the Orlando airport. My mom and I went to eat before going through security, and in order to leave the restaurant and get down to security we were going to take the escalator--which was obviously the fastest and most convenient method. Right as I was getting on the escalator I hear "Ma'am! Ma'am!" So I turn to look and some power hungry man says "You can't take that stroller down the escalator!"

Me- "Why not?"

Power Hungry Man- "You have to use the elevator with your stroller."

Me- "Why" sounding irritated.

Power Hungry Man- "It's against fire code"

Me- "Just here??"

Power Hungry Man- "In all airports!"

Me- "R-e-a-l-l-y...." as I turn to the elevator.

Tell me, would it really be fire code to put you in an elevator if there was a fire??? I don't think so. And really, I have to go up and down escalators in the Denver airport, so why, of all places would this one escalator be against fire code??? Grr....this seriously had me urked the rest of the day...and apparently still does. I so wish I would have just turned and gone down the escalator.

THEN...we get to security and a man comes up and asks up to move to the very end to go through their "family line." while it ended up not being a huge deal, it still bothered me that they felt like I would be a "nuisance" enough because of my one child, that they moved me to another line to go behind everyone else who had kids. Why, why do you have to separate like that??

THEN...oh yes, not done yet. We get on the plane. We try the DVD player again, and he would not leave the headphones on. So I unplugged the headphones and we just listened to it normally. Isaac was great. He was like any toddler---well about 20 minutes before FINDING NEMO ended, the flight attendant came up and since Isaac had a book in his hands, she says "Since he isn't watching the movie, I need you to turn it down. I've had passengers complain it's too loud." First thought through my head: "Would you rather hear the movie of him screaming??" 2 minutes later, enter next flight attendant: "Will he not listen to the headphones?" My thought: no lady, are you dumb? He is a toddler! She continues, "Well technically, it needs to be off or listened to on headphones. It is disturbing other passengers." Enter next thought: Oh, I'll give them something to be disturbed by! I told my mom I wanted to pinch Isaac so he would cry and annoy them. Granted, I wouldn't, but it was still a thought. I WAS SO ANNOYED. REALLY???? Because this non-vulgar, G-rated movie is offensive??? You know the people who complained were those who have no kids. Then the guy sitting next to me said, "If I am sitting next to you and I don't even hear it, it's not a big deal" ... tells me later he is the dad of twin boys....case in point.

So that was our fun adventure home. We definitely wore Isaac out each day. He is so fun and did extremely well with the heat, lack of schedule, and stimulation. I am so proud of him!

As for Taylor, his conference was a great success and I am so glad he let Isaac and I tag along!!!

Cutest Pictures E-V-E-R!!!

I took these pictures of Isaac earlier this week....couldn't be more happy with how well they turned out!! Look at that curly red hair (he gets that from me, it's exactly what I had as a baby) and blue eyes (he gets that from Taylor)! What a cutie!

Here's his "Cheese!"

I love this little boy!!!

A Great Weekend

We had a great weekend this past week! It started off on Friday when I had the privilege of hosting a breakfast for my mother-in-law, Suzanne, and all her sisters. Now, this was a big deal! They (Suzanne and her sisters) were getting together for a sister's reunion to go through some family things and the fact that I was even allowed to steal them away from that was an honor! So--like my sister-in-law Kim, I had been planning and visioning what I would cook, how i would lay it out, etc.... haha, I love hosting parties, what can I say?? Did I pass, Kim??

Here are all the sisters: (From L to R, Mary Ann, Kay, Diane, Suzanne, and Joan) I love these ladies!!!!

Grandma and Isaac!

The three of us....I promise I didn't intentionally plan on color coordinating. :)

The next big event of the weekend: Time Out For Women in Denver. I went for the day on Saturday with my good friend, Kelly, and we met up with several girls in the ward.

My good friend, Kelly, and I at the end....boy were we ready to be done sitting! She is also pregnant, just a few weeks behind me! So fun!

So, while I was in Denver all day, and Taylor went out to see Cougar in training, Isaac had his FIRST sleepover with Nana and Papa. (That was so weird to go home without Isaac!) Both Taylor and I had to get up early on Saturday, so we figured it would be best to let him sleep in at Nana and Papa's. Never a dull moment at their house....started the night out with coloring....

And once I got home, he went crazy with apples and caramel. I couldn't get over how big he looked as he sat on the bar stool all by himself! Look at that sticky mess....gotta love it!

Cheesing with dad and Papa!

This is Isaac saying "Cheese!"

I love this picture of Taylor and Isaac looking at each other....

And then we were able to spend a meal with Suzanne and her sisters and Taylor's cousins on Sunday after church and then we took Suzanne to the airport! It was a great weekend!

Look What Came In the Mail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look what came in the mail yesterday:


Taylor's DIPLOMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Taylor graduated from ISU in December with a Bachelor of Science in Human Resource Training and Development. I am SOOOOOOO proud of him!!!!!

For those of you who don't know, when I first met Taylor and when we got married, Taylor was never very big on school. I believe his attitude about it was, "I'll get school done when I get it done." It just wasn't a big push for him to finish--he wanted, or planned, to finish but didn't really see the need to get it done quickly. Taylor was much more of the work-type of guy and school was just a hindrance to that.

Well, at some point, his attitude completely shifted. He wanted to finish. He wanted to graduate and he even wants to go get his Masters now. This shift in desire came and is a leading factor for why we moved to Idaho. When we first moved to Idaho, Taylor was leaning towards getting a degree in finance. He did a semester of finance classes and enjoyed them but it just didn't seem right. Things feel into place--like they always do--and he learned of the HR major. It was PERFECT for Taylor.

I have never seen Taylor do so well as he did in his HR classes. It's true what they say--when you find something that just clicks, it's for the best. Taylor really challenged himself in this major by taking 18+ credits a semester, plus working, plus a new baby, etc. He did awesome!!!

Turns out, that if he didn't find his major when he did--which led to taking certain classes during a certain semester, he wouldn't have been able to finish when he did. They stopped offering core classes during certain semesters that would have delayed his graduation (and our moving) if he hadn't already taken them. So it was truly meant to be!!


It's a big deal to Taylor to walk, so in May we will be going to Pocatello, Idaho for his graduation! I am so happy and proud of him!! He worked so hard and definitely has earned this degree!!! Now, it's time to relax for a little bit before he starts his Masters.

Doctor Appointment

Since learning the results of the CVS test, and the chances of miscarriage being high, my doctor asked me if I would like to come in every week or every two weeks--or as much as I wanted--to check for the heartbeat. She said miscarriages don't always result in bleeding and that the baby could die without us knowing. (She probably put it a little more eloquently than that, but that is it in a nutshell). So, today was our first doctor appointment to check primarily for the heartbeat.

I was a little nervous given the fact that the previous two times I was in, we should have heard a heartbeat, but couldn't. (Has nothing to do with the cystic hygroma, has a lot to do with my tilted cervix).

Anyway, as she puts the Doppler on my stomach, probably a good 20-30 seconds pass before she finds it. It felt like forever! But once she found it, it was GOOD NEWS!!! The baby's heartbeat is strong and steady--which is a very good sign!!! She said if the baby's heartbeat was fast it usually indicates fluid around the heart with my condition. And, while we were listening to it, the baby moved, another good sign. I keep thinking I can feel the baby move but think it's still a little early.

So all in all, it was GREAT news and very encouraging!! I am 15 weeks and I will go in again in about 2 more weeks and then a few weeks later we will have the "will tell us a lot" 20 week ultrasound!

I still feel like this baby is a fighter and that we have a God of miracles--so I feel pretty confident that all will go well with this baby.

And, I must say what a tremendous husband I have. He has truly been a rock to me throughout this whole process. Someone once asked me how Taylor was handling this trial and it kind of caught me off guard. Taylor has been nothing but faithful and believing and supportive through this--from the moment I told him we had a problem. I have welcomed and leaned on him in so many ways--for his Priesthood blessings, for his faithful perspective, for his warm embrace. There have been nights where I will look at him and just ask him a question pertaining to how I am feeling and he will answer it in the most Christ-like, faithful and positive way. And I have been truly grateful to have him by my side through all of this, I couldn't imagine doing this with anyone else. I am grateful that we have handled this trial together and that it has brought us closer together as we have turned to the Lord and recognized His hand in all of this. Because we know that the Lord has something greater in store for us than we can even comprehend.