We're Home and Well

Angelina Joyce Housley

April 1, 2009 6:11 p.m.
8.5 inches, 9.6 ounces

(This is Thursday, day after Angelina was born, prior to leaving the hospital)

Well I guess I can't put this off any longer. Last week is over and we survived it. As many of you know, we found out Tuesday, March 31 that our baby girl that I was almost 5 months pregnant with passed away from a cyst on the back of her neck called a cystic hygroma. Because I was in my second trimester, this meant a bigger procedure than a DNC that is performed with miscarriages.

So on Wednesday I had to be admitted to the hospital. The doctor on Tuesday said that I would be put under through the entire thing. Obviously we had a lot thrown at us on Tuesday and didn't fully grasp what was ahead for us. At the time, my parents were in Arizona. They flew home Tuesday night to be with us and to help with Isaac.

Once at the hospital, we learned more of what was ahead. I was to actually go through all the steps of labor and delivery---from the contractions to pushing. They put a pill inside me to help the labor process. This started at 8:30 a.m. and by 3:00 I was very uncomfortable from the contractions. By 5:30 I had the choice if I wanted an epidural or not. I decided to get one. By 5:45 the anesthesiologist was there, while he was giving me the epidural my water broke, the epidural was in by 6:00 p.m. and our baby girl was born at 6:11 p.m.

I have to say, from the moment we found out there was no heartbeat to the moment she was born, was the hardest stretch of time for us. I really did not like being at the hospital knowing that I was to walk in pregnant, and leave empty handed. I did not know how I would feel going through the labor process and knowing there wouldn't be a cry to hear when she was out. I really struggled at that.

But....we were blessed with an unbelievable, almost tangible, sense of peace the moment she was born. As I held her in my arms, I simply said, "Hello baby girl....we'll see you soon." And we truly do believe that. The feelings we had were so powerful, there is no doubt we were being embraced by the hands of the Lord.

I had a different nurse every 12 hours, and the nurse I had right before we left was pretty special. She lost her husband 14 months ago to a heart attack. She hasn't been on a pregnancy like mine for quite some time because she has been going through the grieving process herself. I believe she--and all the other nurses and my doctor--thought I would be an emotional wreck and they'd be walking on egg shells around me. So that nurse continued to speak about the grieving process and what it was like for her. She mentioned that the last year of her life has been the worst. She has felt like why would such a loving and caring God make her hurt so bad? It wasn't until two weeks ago that she finally started praying again. She grew up Catholic and said they don't believe God has a plan for them because that would take their free agency away. I asked her if she believed she would see her husband again, and she said yes. I then proceeded to tell her what has gotten me through our trial--the knowledge that this little girl will be ours to raise in the eternities. I hope through our attitude and some of the things both Taylor and I said that we helped her in some way. I do hope to continue that openness and road with her.

After speaking with this nurse, it got me thinking. Never once have I felt the way she did, never once did this experience make me turn on my Savior, if anything, I have leaned on Him and have asked for His embrace. I have seen how black and white it is to have the gospel in our lives through this experience. My perspective and my heart would be so empty going through this without the gospel--it is ONLY with the gospel that I have gotten through this and feel so peaceful. It is the gospel that has given me the knowledge and perspective to keep going, and with that, we have had tremendous love and support through friends and family.

I cannot imagine lying in that hospital room, after delivering a baby and not hearing her cry, and not know what would happen next--in a sense, to think that that pregnancy was wasted. I can understand why people would feel so alone, angry, and turn on their Lord in that position without having the knowledge of our gospel. But I do have the knowledge, I believe it, and I act on it.

I know this pregnancy wasn't wasted, I know I was suppose to have this experience. I may not know the why, but I believe their is one. I believe I'll know someday. But I am just grateful that I don't have to dwell on the why--instead I can know that trials are for our good, that sometimes our faith is tested, and if we will but believe, he will heal us. I know the Lord is healing us--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I need the Atonement in my life more so than ever, and I am grateful I have a loving and caring God who sent His Son to die for us, to suffer all our sins and all our burdens, so that we can live with Him again through the sealing ordinances we have performed in the temple and our righteousness. I am grateful that even though we go through trials like this, where they are hard on us, that the Lord has provided a way for us to be together again for eternity--and that is a loving and caring God.

Now, we were faced with what we wanted to do with Angelina's body. The hospital offers a funeral where they bury all the children that have died in a certain time frame and they do that ceremony three times a year. We have decided to go that route. We have also decided to do something on our end. Taylor has been wanting to build a water feature in our backyard for some time now. We decided to do that, plant a tree or two and get a bench to put by the waterfall. Whether we do a plaque in the ground or on the bench, I don't know, but we want to have that special area where we can go to remember her. We also think it's neat to see the symbolism of running water where we memorialize Angelina---as that is where she is--with our Father in Heaven.

Thank you all---for your support, your calls, your emails, your notes, and most of all, your love. You have no idea how much it has meant to us with this trial we have been facing.

I am definitely on the road to recovery. A few hours after coming home on Thursday I was faced with intense pain--so bad that I was curled up on the floor crying. So we spent four more hours in the ER that night. We learned it was not a big deal and I have been given the appropriate medicine to get through this. After all that and getting a head cold and my milk coming in, I am now finally starting to feel somewhat "normal" again.

We continue to look forward. That peace we felt when she was born has carried us through. It doesn't mean we don't have hard days, we do, but we are blessed. And Isaac brings us so much joy and laughter. Angelina will always be in our hearts, mind and prayers. We know we will be together again for eternity.